CONFESSION OF A TAPORI

Tomorrow's breaking news will feature our friends' spicy bytes , family members' teary mugs and our dead bodies. I will be looking uber cool in BeBe sweatshirt , Calvin Klein jeans and Nike sneakers. But what about you a fashion street junkie ? I hope they won't focus too much on your zits ( what's that ? I asked . "pimples" she answered.) And what if they get hold of your antique wallet ? Will your wallet be an Exhibit A ? No credit card , not even ATM card. What a shame it will be to be written off as your girlfriend on the front page of tomorrow's newspapers !

I had to hear all this and much more bakwaas when I asked my hep girlfriend " Tuze Aksa beach ghooma doo ... aa chalti kya ?

OK , fine ! So I am this lower middle class boy from Khar ( Did you say 'where's that ? well Khar is between Bandra and Santacruz ) My girlfriend stays in Bandra. Big Deal ! She says that she is not my girlfriend , but just friend. I am 100% sure she is my girlfriend because she is the only girl. , I'm friends with . Let her argue , whatever she wants to. Anyways she is good ... better.... best ...at that , arguing nonstop on any given topic, just to contradict me. She always takes potshot at my status or rather lack of it.

In "Jane tu ya jane na" , Jay is a middle class boy , compared to richi rich Aditi , still there's no strain in their friendship. So what's wrong with my girlfriend ? She liked the movie. She liked Imran Khan even more. It prompted me to ridicule Imran's bushy eyebrows. This must be the first time , I bitched about anyone or paid any attention to a guy's face . I mean there are so many girls around , why waste your eye sight on boys ?

On the platform , in the buses , at the malls , I offer my close-up smile to the girls. But these girls are so stingy , they never return anything , not even the smile. They either turn away their faces or stare at me as if I am an Anaconda dressed up as a boy.

Forget the girls , just for a while of course. Why does my girlfriend give so much attention to my outward appearance ? why does not she look inwards. I don't mean "kya kool hai hum " sort of double meaning here.

It's cool for Salman Khan to woo Priyanka with "Tuze Aksa beach ghooma doo , aa chalti kya " . It's super-duper hit for Imran Khan to dance "pappu can not dance " with Genelia . Then why should I be denied the basic human ( boyfriend ) right to take my girlfriend at Aksa beach ? My girlfriend insists on Juhu beach. Now which half-wit goes to Juhu with girlfriend ? I mean everybody with his family and dog swarm Juhu. Where's the privacy ?

On my birthday she gifted me a pink shirt . I tried to reason with her. Who wears peee.....nk shirt ? She blurted "Ranbir , Sainf , Shahid ..... " . Not in my league , I warn you. First she teases me about my Ajay Devganish complexion and now this peeee...nk shirt . What the hell ? Can not she gift me the cash instead ? I could have bought 3 Louis Phillips ( white , white and off white ) from Churchgate subway.

On her birthday , I gifted her Lakme's 9 to 5 lipstick. She snubbed " Have you ever heard about Channel , Max Factor , Neena Ricci ..... blah blah blah. Agreed , she has this Angelina Jolie lips , which she pouts twenty five hours a day , meaning pretty much all the time.